lindowski
---"What is understood... need not be discussed"---
The top 10 video games of this or any era:
funAs a Junior at the terrific University of Northern Iowa, I find myself spending a ridiculous amount of time playing video games (drunk and sober) throughout the course of the academic year. Instead of studying, I just play game after game against my roomates until any of the 3 male urges (sex, food, sleep) take over. Instead of studying RIGHT NOW for all the tests I have next week, I've decided to offer my critique to the masses (all 3 of you) and give you the top 10 video games of this or any era.
#10 Super Mario Bros #3 - This game has rainy day all over it. I can't say that I've ever beaten it because I am a big pussy and don't have the time to beat level 8, which for some reason takes a Master's degree in physics to complete. I'd rather pong it up than attempt to defeat this game, but levels 1-7 are fair enough to play until the pizza arrives or college football is on.
#9 Top Gear 2 - This is a Super Nintendo godsend. I recall playing this game with my brother for hours on end in the 2nd grade, then proceeding to go to school and tell everybody how I had a big race to tend to before flag football practice, then deny the fact that I'd be playing it in a pair or tighty whities in on my basement floor with a tub of ice cream near by. (none of those descriptions have changed in the last 13 years)
#8 Platoon - I have no idea how I have remembered the beginning maze level of this game for all the years I have, but let me tell you...I have, and I plan to use it on a resume, and on every personals site that I will ever run into when I'm 40 and tired of receiving sexual pleasure from only myself.
#7 NBA Jam - Are you seriously going to tell me that those turbo shoes were supposed to be a secret in the first version? Any "hidden code" that neccessitates the use of one button can hardly be defined as a secret in a video game, maybe that's out there, but its my theory and I'm sticking to it.
#6 Ms. Pac Man - I'm pretty sure that I've held every record in Ms. Pac Man, including some international video game championships. My high score in this game can be traded for a home mortgage at any time in 14 different states. I've even received free postitutes from the Ambassador of Thailand just for claiming that I was indeed 'The Guy'.
#5 Dr. Mario - Much better than it's companion Tetris, Dr. Mario actually makes you think. It all makes you scream "I BEAT LEVEL 24!" Loud enough to wake your entire apartment complex at 2AM and warrant a police visit to you, by this time you are drunk enough to put your arm about the cop and show him the picture of the 'congratuations' screen you have conviniently taken with your cell phone.
#4 NCAA Football - Any year and Every year, unless you are being a top ranked team, this game is one of the greatest inventions since the koozie and perhaps even the pizza pizzazz. I love nothing more than creating my own team (who always wear lime green) and placing Nick Linde, star 180lb, 5'9", white quarterback to get injured everytime he steps out of the pocket. A constant reminder of why I'm not going to the UNIDome for practice and instead I am on my 3rd day without a shower and my bed is contaminated with crushed oyster crackers.
#3 Leisure Suit Larry - This is the end-all to any game that should exist in a collegiate atmosphere. Not only can I drink white-russians and be a college loser, but I can control a college loser on his quest to get laid by hot babes in this video game. Playing quarters, jumping on trampolines and masturbating for points? The creators of this game made getting laid on a video game harder than it is in real life...and that's saying something!
#2 Smackdown - any of these wrestling games on PS2 were created for one reason and one reason only. The Royal Rumble. You and your roomates always start as the first competitor and try to last the entire time, nobody ever does, which then makes you try over and over and over again until somebody finally does, 6 weeks later you finally win and decided that one isn't enough, you need the repeat.
And finally, the #1 greatest video game of all time...
#1 Tecmo Super bowl - I was going to drop out of junior high and try to get on the pro circuit for this game. I can't say enough about how this game has changed my way of life and possibly keened my senses enough to attempt to attain a college degree. I still play this all the time, not as much as my roomates, but arguably enough to go down as one of the legends that have played this game.
Honorable mentions in all of these catagories include: NFL Quarterback club, Super Mario Kart, and Hot Shots Golf.
That's what you get today, live with it.
Lindowski
And it begins again, no big writing job for me yet, but I have begun to realize the potential of my social power...
This morning, between bitching about a lack of cereal and my morning dump I caught a few minutes of Sportscenter. They talked about Manny Ramirez (outfielder for the Boston Red Sox for those of you who are living in a cave and have yet to experience anything in the real world) not showing up for the BoSox's Spring Training. This is just another example of "Manny being Manny" which or course gives him the pleasure of listening to Latino steel drum music on his iPod sunglasses in left field and request a trade from Boston and then not, and then so, and then not. This gives the kids of today something to really look up to. Our quest in this country is to gain so much social power that we cannot be traded for anything. Manny Ramirez is truly a spokesperson for the American dream, which of course is "Do everything you can for people to hate you, but they just can't bring themselves to actually dislike you."
I have decided that I'm going to put forth my best Manny foot (which is neither foreign, nor athletic in any sense of the word) and start a campaign for "Linde being Linde". There is nothing that would make me feel better than to do everything I wanted to in life and still receive the admiration of my many followers.
I think I would start my campaign by taking a dump on my 7th grade literature teachers car windshield, while he is driving it. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this feat, my magnetic shoes can only hold a resistance of 45mph and I'm pretty sure he does a lot of highway commuting. This guy made me hate punctuation, reading, and learning in general. He is the blame for my less than admirable high school grades, and now that I'm an English major at a somewhat prestigious University, and I will someday make more money than him, I feel that it is my duty (notice the potty humor: duty=dooty) to give him a heads up on how he has negatively influenced his former students.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Nick, you silly goose, you'd never get away with defecating on this man's automobile" but that's where you are wrong. I cannot be reprimanded because it's just "Linde being Linde". This is only an example of all the things I would do, higher up on the list would contain things like: siphoning gas from police officers, clogging the toilets at each stadium I ever visited (with or without my own fecal matter), and being sexually coercive to attractive celebrities. Am I a stealing, criminal, sexual assailant? Maybe, but it's just Linde being Linde
Keep Pushin'
Lindowski
This morning, between bitching about a lack of cereal and my morning dump I caught a few minutes of Sportscenter. They talked about Manny Ramirez (outfielder for the Boston Red Sox for those of you who are living in a cave and have yet to experience anything in the real world) not showing up for the BoSox's Spring Training. This is just another example of "Manny being Manny" which or course gives him the pleasure of listening to Latino steel drum music on his iPod sunglasses in left field and request a trade from Boston and then not, and then so, and then not. This gives the kids of today something to really look up to. Our quest in this country is to gain so much social power that we cannot be traded for anything. Manny Ramirez is truly a spokesperson for the American dream, which of course is "Do everything you can for people to hate you, but they just can't bring themselves to actually dislike you."
I have decided that I'm going to put forth my best Manny foot (which is neither foreign, nor athletic in any sense of the word) and start a campaign for "Linde being Linde". There is nothing that would make me feel better than to do everything I wanted to in life and still receive the admiration of my many followers.
I think I would start my campaign by taking a dump on my 7th grade literature teachers car windshield, while he is driving it. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this feat, my magnetic shoes can only hold a resistance of 45mph and I'm pretty sure he does a lot of highway commuting. This guy made me hate punctuation, reading, and learning in general. He is the blame for my less than admirable high school grades, and now that I'm an English major at a somewhat prestigious University, and I will someday make more money than him, I feel that it is my duty (notice the potty humor: duty=dooty) to give him a heads up on how he has negatively influenced his former students.
Now I know what you're thinking, "Nick, you silly goose, you'd never get away with defecating on this man's automobile" but that's where you are wrong. I cannot be reprimanded because it's just "Linde being Linde". This is only an example of all the things I would do, higher up on the list would contain things like: siphoning gas from police officers, clogging the toilets at each stadium I ever visited (with or without my own fecal matter), and being sexually coercive to attractive celebrities. Am I a stealing, criminal, sexual assailant? Maybe, but it's just Linde being Linde
Keep Pushin'
Lindowski
No moneyback refunds - Try me...
Starting over
Hello it is me again, starting completely over on the whole 'blog world' thing. I hope to move from mindsay soon and get published on a fancier website, hopefully one pertaining to college humor, or just a blog where 98% of my readers are pre-pubescent girls (don't worry, I love you little sweethearts, by the way the other 2% is my great grandmother and a guy who is looking for goatporn and just happens to surf past this page)
I must say that the obersvational humorists on the web lately have really changed my perspectives of college life, especially since I'm from the heartland. I can honestly say that in my first two years of college I have met some characters that come straight from the mouth of a drunk 15 year old trying to impress a bunch of collegiate cheerleaders. I am here to help you sift through the bullshit and get to the real people at college, so youre not wasting the next 4 years of your life masturbating into your roomates socks and getting drunk by yourself on a Tuesday morning (although I recommend doing both of those, but only in moderation). I give you...the top 3 liars of the college campus.
#3 The "foreign" guy: This is a guy on your dorm floor that claims he is from somewhere exotic, or most commonly, Canada. I don't understand what the fuss is about pretending you're from Canada. It's cold there, they speak fucked up English, they have no attractive women, no entertaining sports, and they haven't even legalized the use of softcore drugs. There is nothing in Canada worth praising unless your Grandpa invented maple syrup or you accidentally brushed up against a Shania Twain lookalike at the Toronto Arby's. How do you tell if somebody is lying about being from Canada? It's actually quite simple. They use it as an excuse for just about EVERYTHING.
Why didn't you bang that chick last night? "She hates Canadians"
Why didn't you bring a jacket, it's 3 degrees outside "Because I'm from Canada"
Why don't you shower, brush your teeth, or at least turn your shirt inside out from time to time "That's not how Canadians do things"
Being from Canada is an excuse for lacking any knowledge about how to operate in society. Lets leave the stereotype excuses to the blacks and the poor from here on out.
(Disclaimer: college guys don't usually care where a girl says she's from, unless you look asian we aren't exactly going to have any jaw-dropping stories to tell anybody about having sex with a "canadian" the next day.)
#2 The "I'm so Drunk" Guy: We've all met this person before, it's embarrassing for you, and they really know how to ruin a good time. I enjoy drinking a multitude of alcoholic beverages within the confines of a shithole apartment or rundown factory, turned housing complex. If I was drunk enough, I wouldn't even mind hanging out with a bunch of giant mutated rats, actually that sounds pretty kickass. But no matter how intoxicated I become I can not stand some douchebag coming up to me and saying "Linde man, I had fucking 9 shots of like fucking the hardest shit, and drank like 80 fucking beers man" A general rule of thumb on college campuses is that unless you've drank a gallon of unleaded gasoline, I don't want to hear it. People drink, it is as common on a college campus as a backalley blowjob is in Vegas. People generally don't walk around the workplace saying "I drank 3 cups of coffee today, I'm so fucking wired man" nor do people leave Taco Bell telling their friends, "I had 2 more tacos then you man, I'm so fucking cool". People tend not to understand that we are all drinking ridiculous amounts of booze, so keep your tally sheet to yourself.
#1 The "I banged so many chicks" guy: I have seen them, lived with them, and wanted to pee on every one of their faces. These people are the biggest fucking liars I have ever had contact with. If anybody got laid EVERY single weekend in college, there would be no point in even attending college. Fuck dude, get paid for this shit, write a book about it we all seriously want to know how you just happened to have a 5-way with 2 hot asians, a virgin stripper, and my best friends mom last night. They are pretty fucking smooth about it too. Details? They already thought them up, more than likely while they were beating off in the shower after a night of drinking alone in their room watching "Napoleon Dynamite," trying to memorize lines for their next big failing attempt to attract women in the dining center. If any of your friends has had sex with more than 2 women in any given month, chances are that A. they raped them, B. one was DEFINATELY fat, or C. they were not conscious for this event. These guys need to put their dick where it belongs, a meat grinder. Getting laid in college is like getting the perfect gift for Christmas, it took all year of anticipation, a lot of nice talk, and you don't get it EVERY TIME. I'd take a date with Rosy Palm any day of the week, she holds my beer afterward, plays NCAA Football '06 and even makes me a sandwich. There is no cuddle time or money spending, giving me the freedom to do the finer things with my collegiate career.
There you have it, the biggest liars you'll find on campus. Hopefully you've decided to call a few of these fuckfaces out on who they are 'trying' to be. If not, I'd suggest more masturbation into your roomate's socks.
Keep Pushin'
Lindowski
I must say that the obersvational humorists on the web lately have really changed my perspectives of college life, especially since I'm from the heartland. I can honestly say that in my first two years of college I have met some characters that come straight from the mouth of a drunk 15 year old trying to impress a bunch of collegiate cheerleaders. I am here to help you sift through the bullshit and get to the real people at college, so youre not wasting the next 4 years of your life masturbating into your roomates socks and getting drunk by yourself on a Tuesday morning (although I recommend doing both of those, but only in moderation). I give you...the top 3 liars of the college campus.
#3 The "foreign" guy: This is a guy on your dorm floor that claims he is from somewhere exotic, or most commonly, Canada. I don't understand what the fuss is about pretending you're from Canada. It's cold there, they speak fucked up English, they have no attractive women, no entertaining sports, and they haven't even legalized the use of softcore drugs. There is nothing in Canada worth praising unless your Grandpa invented maple syrup or you accidentally brushed up against a Shania Twain lookalike at the Toronto Arby's. How do you tell if somebody is lying about being from Canada? It's actually quite simple. They use it as an excuse for just about EVERYTHING.
Why didn't you bang that chick last night? "She hates Canadians"
Why didn't you bring a jacket, it's 3 degrees outside "Because I'm from Canada"
Why don't you shower, brush your teeth, or at least turn your shirt inside out from time to time "That's not how Canadians do things"
Being from Canada is an excuse for lacking any knowledge about how to operate in society. Lets leave the stereotype excuses to the blacks and the poor from here on out.
(Disclaimer: college guys don't usually care where a girl says she's from, unless you look asian we aren't exactly going to have any jaw-dropping stories to tell anybody about having sex with a "canadian" the next day.)
#2 The "I'm so Drunk" Guy: We've all met this person before, it's embarrassing for you, and they really know how to ruin a good time. I enjoy drinking a multitude of alcoholic beverages within the confines of a shithole apartment or rundown factory, turned housing complex. If I was drunk enough, I wouldn't even mind hanging out with a bunch of giant mutated rats, actually that sounds pretty kickass. But no matter how intoxicated I become I can not stand some douchebag coming up to me and saying "Linde man, I had fucking 9 shots of like fucking the hardest shit, and drank like 80 fucking beers man" A general rule of thumb on college campuses is that unless you've drank a gallon of unleaded gasoline, I don't want to hear it. People drink, it is as common on a college campus as a backalley blowjob is in Vegas. People generally don't walk around the workplace saying "I drank 3 cups of coffee today, I'm so fucking wired man" nor do people leave Taco Bell telling their friends, "I had 2 more tacos then you man, I'm so fucking cool". People tend not to understand that we are all drinking ridiculous amounts of booze, so keep your tally sheet to yourself.
#1 The "I banged so many chicks" guy: I have seen them, lived with them, and wanted to pee on every one of their faces. These people are the biggest fucking liars I have ever had contact with. If anybody got laid EVERY single weekend in college, there would be no point in even attending college. Fuck dude, get paid for this shit, write a book about it we all seriously want to know how you just happened to have a 5-way with 2 hot asians, a virgin stripper, and my best friends mom last night. They are pretty fucking smooth about it too. Details? They already thought them up, more than likely while they were beating off in the shower after a night of drinking alone in their room watching "Napoleon Dynamite," trying to memorize lines for their next big failing attempt to attract women in the dining center. If any of your friends has had sex with more than 2 women in any given month, chances are that A. they raped them, B. one was DEFINATELY fat, or C. they were not conscious for this event. These guys need to put their dick where it belongs, a meat grinder. Getting laid in college is like getting the perfect gift for Christmas, it took all year of anticipation, a lot of nice talk, and you don't get it EVERY TIME. I'd take a date with Rosy Palm any day of the week, she holds my beer afterward, plays NCAA Football '06 and even makes me a sandwich. There is no cuddle time or money spending, giving me the freedom to do the finer things with my collegiate career.
There you have it, the biggest liars you'll find on campus. Hopefully you've decided to call a few of these fuckfaces out on who they are 'trying' to be. If not, I'd suggest more masturbation into your roomate's socks.
Keep Pushin'
Lindowski
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I can't describe it and I can't hide it. - I found who I am supposed to love to pieces: Everyone.
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